Bringing up the rear

John just about crippled himself with laughter the day Tosh let out an audible fart which caused him to whip his head around and look at his own butt as if to say, "What was THAT?"

Today he did one better.  After farting he started, jumped up, circled around to where his butt had been and commenced a thorough investigation of the scene of the crime.  I believe the theory of the brontosaurus (ehrm, apatosaurus – I was a kid in the 70’s: my brain will always hand me "bronto" first) having a second brain for his rear has been debunked in the case of dinosaurs, but it may have to be revived for our dog.

Ad Bored

I’ve been watching a lot of the Olympics, and even with the TiVo, there are a few ads I haven’t been able to avoid. The first defines the type of ad I would like to ban, because it is a crime against nostalgia:

Yes, that’s a collection of recreations of iconic scenes from "The Breakfast Club." I have a hard time describing the visceral loathing I feel for this ad. Marie and I used to have this movie memorized, but the target market for this ad probably hasn’t heard the words, "So it’s sorta social: demented and sad, but social. Right?"  So the target market probably just thinks this is a bunch of kids doing dopey things to the accompaniment of a moldy oldie.  Good one.

Contrast that with the United Airlines ads called "Sea Orchestra" and ‘Heart" (memo to United – let people embed your video).  I’ve actually stopped ba-booping through blocks of Olympic ads and rewound to watch these.  They’re original and actually relate to the thing being advertised, and I hate to say it, but these advertisements are entertaining.

Which is more than I can say for the continued harping on the Chinese gymnastics age scandal.  Al Trautwig made a particularly ugly comment the other evening, snidely inviting the viewers to judge for themselves as to whether some of the Chinese gymnasts looked old enough.  Excuse me?  This isn’t "America’s Top Sports Scandal."  If the Chinese cheated, it’s not going to be voted on via telephone by the US viewing public.  The only thing this does is make Al Trautwig look like a first-class wart.

Do I lie like a lounge room lizard?

No, I do not lie.  I sing like a bird released.  It’s 65 degrees in the DC suburbs on August 12.  It’s been cool and dry for almost a week.  This is unprecedented.  Glorious, gorgeous, and completely unprecedented.

The hate I have for heat and humidity is well documented, so we needn’t go over that again.  But the thing that is really making me dance all sorts of happy dances about this weather is the reprieve from having to use the air conditioning.  Last month’s power bill was… not fun, even though the heat index values didn’t get above 100 too often.

This fall-like weather also has me thinking in a somewhat premature way about new pencils and "school clothes."  But for the first time in 12 years, that’s coming my way too. Nice.

News, or: Do I look evil in this mortarboard?

In 1995, I received my J.D. (Juris Doctor) from the University of Maine.

In 2009 or 10 I am tentatively scheduled to receive my M.L.S. (Masters in Library Science) from the University of Maryland.

Aside from apparently having an unconscious preference for state universities in states that begin with "M," I feel like I’m regenerating sideways in an offbeat piece of Dr. Who fanfic.

Gotta start working on that laugh…

Food, glonous food.

No, that’s not a typo.  It’s a show tune by way of chopsticks wrapper:

Glonous.

In case you can’t read the text, it says:

Welcome to Chinese Restaurant.
please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks
the traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history.
and cultur al.

I first blogged about this sort of thing a very long time ago , but I still love loony neologisms created in the service of signage.

ETA: Rebecca points out that I mistakenly credited them with spelling "cultural" correctly.  Heh.

Cheating

I got a call from a friend yesterday, chiding me on my lack of posting.  All I could say was, "Yeah – John’s been riding me about that too."  What can I say?  It’s been hot and humid, I’ve been unwell, and while I’m back pretty close to normal, I’m still not 100%.  The heat, humidity, and unwell-ness have meant 0 running since mid-month, so that’s another reason for glum, cranky, no-writing-ness.

So, what can I do but a rerun?  I was reminded of the post below the other day, which originally ran on March 29, 2004 and was called "Manning the Ramparts."  Enjoy.

——————–

I’ve been a bit cranky lately ["A bit?!" I hear my husband cry. Okay, very cranky]. Only this morning do I have a specific, topical and timely excuse (you clean coffee out of an iBook keyboard at seven in the morning and see how cheery you are). The rest of it has been a lingering malaise which I vaguely attribute to the cause: Don’t Have A Job Yet. But an e-mail from my mother about this site gives another possible cause. She writes, "The only thing I find scary about these musings of yours is that it’s a pretty coherent picture of a culture gone mad–or perhaps more accurately, gone stupid." In all modesty I would substitute the word "consistent" for "coherent" in that statement – otherwise, I’m not sure I can argue with it.

I hate it when I do or say something stupid (cf. coffee on the keyboard). But what is really maddening is when our culture allows us to defend our stupidity – letting us love it and hug it and call it George. There are whole sections of the culture who look upon intelligence and erudition with suspicion, and there is a particularly insidious way of manning the Ramparts of Stupidity: the mislabeled "opinion."

Consider this quote from a music-loving woman in a Wal-Mart for a story about the store’s new music download service . Neda Ulaby of All Things Considered asked her if she would use Wal-Mart’s new online music purchasing system, and she replied, "In a way, I think that’s stealing. And I feel that anything that is downloaded off the computer from anywhere is stealing. So if I come here and buy it then I’ve paid for it and I’m getting what I paid for. So. That’s how I feel."

So, in this woman’s mind, purchasing is not defined as an exchange of goods or services for money – it’s all about the delivery method. Ulaby blames this woman’s thinking (or lack thereof) on the music industry’s virulent anti-piracy media campaign. But take a closer look at what the woman actually said. She starts out by saying she "thinks" it is stealing, softening it by prefacing her statement with, "In a way…". But then she goes on to defend her position that it is stealing by saying it’s what she "feels." In other words, it’s what she believes – it’s her opinion. So she stands on a factually indefensible position and mans the ramparts by retreating to the language of belief.

Someone (sorry – I have been unable to find a source) said, "Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but not everyone is entitled to their own facts." But our society reflexively retreats from arguing with people who use the words believe, feel, opinion, etc. It’s a conversational "home base" from which the factually deficient can say, "Neener, neener, you can’t get me." Opinions are so sacred that they cause us to retreat from argument, even when those "opinions" are really factual inaccuracies in disguise. On second thought, perhaps my mother was right the first time – it is a culture gone mad. And you don’t argue with the clinically insane.

Later on in the segment, the aforementioned music-lover in Wal-Mart does say that she will probably use the download service. If she still believes she’s stealing can she get arrested by the thought police?

Bicycle built for two

We finally rode that tandem bike . Yep, it had to be put off by yet another weekend, because John had forgotten about his out-of-townness last weekend.

How did we do?  Well, we got the thing rolling pretty well and managed to ride it with a fair degree of success around the National Mall, Lincoln Memorial, and Tidal Basin (hullooo, Mr. Jefferson).  We managed to not kill, maim or otherwise injure ourselves, the people who stared at us while walking into our path (ummm… would you walk in front of a moving bicycle with one person on it?  Okay – double the mass: NOW would you walk in front of it?  Apparently, for many tourists in the Washington DC metro area, the answer to that question is a zombielike, "Yessss…. must walk in front of long bicycle…."), and in one gobsmackingly awful moment, a boy of 12 or so on a regular bike who navigated by a cunning sort of scrying of the ground directly under his own feet and managed to jackknife his bike facing us about five feet away in a crowded scrum of other bikes and pedestrians.  (As we rode past the rest of his family, his older sister said, "I am so sorry," with a stricken look on her face that bodes well for her citizenship in the human race.)

Cap’n John had an able hand on the tiller and managed to avoid all of these perils.  I acted as "stoker," pedaling along and making "eeyikes" faces when various perils were before us.

Quieter monuments, like the George Mason, were havens for long-bicycle freaks, and represented the only point at which I even felt like taking out the camera:

John with George Mason

It was a really pretty day, though hot.

I love a pergola.

Here’s the beast:

Da Tandem

The verdict: though we rode it well, it was really uncomfortable.  The handlebars of the stoker’s seat are arranged so they are neither the full drop of a road bike, nor the "sit up and beg" of an old-fasioned bike.  The intermediate position is really hard on the arms, back, and shoulders.  The length and limited maneuverability make for less fun as well.  We decided we’d probably have a much better time just getting up early on a cool fall weekend, loading our own bikes onto Metro (which allows bikes on board on weekends) and tooling around the monuments on our nimbler two-wheelers.

But it was fun enough, and now we can say we did it without any damage to our relationship.

Who knew my oven timer was so powerful?

I do not think that label means what you think it means...

…and why doesn’t it work like my TiVo remote?  Wouldn’t that be cool?  "Go eight seconds back in time."  If I had that button the other day, I might have saved myself the horrendous cleanup of flour mixed with oily, yeasty water when the beginnings of a pizza crust dough went horribly wrong all over the kitchen counter.

I blame Jamie Oliver for making that flour-well thing look so easy.

Coincidentally

Hard on the heels of my story yesterday about a drama school classmate using a live snake in Cleopatra’s death scene, it appears the Shakespeare Company of DC is doing the same thing in their current production. (And I have to go with Scott Simon’s assessment of these critters – they are cuter than the average run of such reptiles.  Still not sure I’d like them coiled around my hands, though.)

I’ve had two such coincidences in as many days in my colossal online media empire. What’s going on here?  Am I plugged into a heretofore-unknown outlet of the zeitgeist?

A good day in spite of itself

John has wanted to try a tandem bicycle experience with me for some time.  My response has generally been, "Don’t those things come with divorce papers as a standard accessory?"  However, I finally caved and booked us a tandem rental at "Bike the Sites " in DC for this weekend.

Or… I thought I had.

The dude (and I use the term specifically – it’s a highly descriptive term of art in this particular instance) I had booked the reservation with told me to simply e-mail him with my contact information, which I dutifully did.  And when we arrived… no bike.  He hadn’t taken my credit card information, so they didn’t reserve it.  He hadn’t entered my phone number into the system and they stated they couldn’t contact me (they had my e-mail, but… let’s just not go there).

So, we regrouped, rebooked for the weekend after next (for my non-US readers, the National Mall in DC is to be avoided next weekend at all costs ).  On our way home on the Metro, weary and hungry, we decided to stop in downtown Rockville for lunch.

This was a very good plan.

Rockville has done one of those downtown revitalization schemes which when done badly makes a downtown into a shopping mall and when done well makes a downtown into a magnet for community.  And they’ve done a really nice job of the second type.  In addition to making the new main branch of the county library a major feature (a move applauded by our household), they’ve managed to attract a nice selection of mostly non-chain restaurants and shops.  They also have created a fountain that is truly designed to be a kid-friendly community water park:

Kids playing in the fountain - looks like fun...

Kids playing in the fountain - looks like fun...

Kids playing in the fountain - looks like fun...

Kids playing in the fountain - looks like fun...

After our Lebanese luncheon, we went home for a nap and a ride on our own bikes.  So despite the false start of our morning, quite a good day in the end.