The Opposite of Retail Therapy
Wherein Our Heroine
Makes Yet Another Trip.
There are certain stores that suck out
your brains and make you
stupid.
Home Depot is
one.
Petsmart is
another.
Any grocery store is
a third.
No matter how
extensive your list, no matter how long you spend at the store, no matter how
many widgets or dog bones or boxes of cereal you stare at, you are going to
forget something. Generally speaking, you will remember that something
approximately five minutes after you return home and kick off your shoes.
Chances are, that whatever-it-was-you-forgot is crucial. Home Depot is the
worst offender in this category, especially if you have just
moved.
When you move anywhere,
you immediately need to spend approximately half of your monthly mortgage in
stuff
from Depot. No matter how well your new house is kitted out, you will need
voluminous piles of something in order to make it habitable to your normal
specifications. Shelves, hooks, fixtures, paint - you name it. Crucial
elements will be missing from that new abode. And when Depot lures you in and
sucks your brain, you will find yourself going home with shelves but without
brackets, with paint, but without brushes. During the process of settling in to
our place in Massachusetts, we started with "Depot List," neatly inked on clean,
white paper. We swiftly moved on to "Son of Depot List" upon our return from
being brain-sucked. Fifteen trips to Depot and two days later, "Cousin of
stepdaughter of mother-in-law of Depot List" was scrawled on a grubby piece of
mover's wrapping paper with a Sharpie. It looked like the literary output of a
deranged monkey. The last list was longer than the
first.
It has now been almost
two years since we moved in to our Maryland house. In this location, we are
almost equidistant from a Depot and a Lowe's, and have learned that there is not
much to choose between the two of them. However, it has been some time since we
did a really big project and I have hopes that normal brain function will be
returning soon.
Any day
now.
Posted: Tuesday - April 06, 2004 at 08:00 AM
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