Self-discovery: be careful what you wish for

Wherein our heroine learns that virtue may be its own reward, but not through personal experience.

Right off the bat, let's get one thing straight: I asked to be laid off. I'm not on a humorous victimization trip like OddTodd (though I do think his work is inspired), I'm not bitter about my former employer. Having gone into this with my eyes open, I made plans: I would ensure that the dog's training was complete. I would do yoga every day. I would ensure I made real, visible progress towards getting a job every day. I would brush up my rusty French. I would spend this precious, paid-for time in noble, honorable - well, at least productive - pursuits.

A fact about self-discovery: it rarely arrives in the abrupt manner of an after-school special ("Gee, Trixie - I see now that I was wrong to [fill in the blank]!"). Rather, it catches up with you slowly, in the manner of a cautious friend who wants to point something out to you but doesn't want to piss you off. "Er, Jill - do you realize that you used that rationalization yesterday?" Enough of those mild, seemingly innocuous questions and the dawning realization that you are a slacker slowly nudges itself into your conscious.

Perhaps my expectations were too high. In expecting to fill every precious moment with self-improvement, I burned myself out and now fill too many of those moments with the daytime programming on BBC America.

I suspect that's a rationalization, too.

Posted: Friday - February 06, 2004 at 07:44 AM         | |